Emma’s Adventureswas a monthly column created for Eurogamer Supporters that ran throughout 2023.
And there are always unexpected twists in her tales.
We’ll open a new one each month.
This month’s couldn’t be more timely.
Behold Emma’s short-lived career as a crab delivery driver in .
You’d think people would welcome her with open arms…
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Thank you one and all for your support.
His ragged cloak lifts in the wind, catching slightly on his armour.
Another challenger is approaching.
The warrior unsheathes his sword, dull edges twisted and curled from the brutal force of previous collisions.
Dark red lines have dried into the hilt.
He mutters an incantation under his breath, bracing his body for the bone-shuddering impact of battle.
The two figures circle each other, pausing just outside of striking range.
For a moment, even the cruel wind stills, lessening her fury to watch the duel below.
Then the veteran lets out a cry, raising his terrible blade to land the first blow.
But to his horror, his opponent has already moved.
An unfamiliar stab of fear runs through the warrior.
He looks to the ground.
A fresh plate of steaming hot crab is on the floor.
I wanted something more surprising, more of a challenge.
So I began to consider visiting other players as an invader.
It was a question that nobody asked, but I decided to answer.
I started by considering what I could drop.
I probably single-handedly saved Leyndell’s stagnant economy.
Next up was sorting out my appearance, the key to which was looking as unthreatening as possible.
Finally, I decided to name myself ‘Crab Delivery’, which I hoped would neatly convey my intentions.
And with that, I was ready to start delivering plates of steaming hot crab.
Things initially got off to a shaky start when I struggled to navigate through Elden Ring’s menus.
But I soon encountered some unexpected challenges.
In my first few attempts, I noticed that players were extremely hesitant to pick up items.
This is something I can only attribute to the fear of accidentally acquiring a hacked object.
In Elden Ring’s case, thehacked item has taken the form of some cursed panties.
The other major problem was, simply, bloodlust.
For many players, the opportunity to freely slaughter another player was irresistible.
I’ll admit being T-bagged by this group was a real low point.
One player even used a prattling pate to say thank you, which was very polite of them.
Others would gesture their thanks in some way, and then leave me alone to peacefully exit their world.
I forgive you, you murderous traitors.
The fighter tucks the salty meat away in his pouch, before pausing for a moment.
A tiny clay head, that quietly utters the words “thank you”.
He still has duties to complete, battles to win.
